 Maybe you DO remember "Bennett Brauer"
Once upon a time -- actually, it was the 1990s -- there was a guy on "Saturday Night Live" named Chris Farley for whom the words "over the top" meant "just getting started."
Farley -- a ball of sweating suet with talent -- had many funny characters on the show. For a guy who was so soft and round, his comedy had a lot of sharp edges, and frequently made viewers wince while laughing. He did a Belushi in 1997.
But this isn't exactly about Chris Farley. Inspired by him, yes. About him, no. There are lots of Chris Farley fan sites out there -- if that's what you want, go find them via AltaVista or Yahoo.
This is inspired by one of Farley's best characters: Bennett Brauer.
Bennett Brauer was the commentator on SNL's "Weekend Update" who was always poking fingers in the air to form quote marks as he ranted.
"Maybe I am NOT your 'typical buff-bodied, blow-dried department-store-mannequin TV newsperson'" he screamed. "Maybe I do 'eat my own dandruff.' Maybe I do 'pop my whiteheads with a compass I used in high school.'"
And so forth. Tasteful, no?
Well, maybe Triviana is NOT your "typical internet web site offering pictures of full-beaver nymphomaniacs" who want to "indulge your every desire." Maybe Triviana is NOT the kind of web site that "makes it easy for you to build your own home page in just five minutes," allowing you to "rake in the easy dough" from "bleary-eyed propeller-head geeks" who wouldn't "know the difference between a real woman and an 8-bit screen icon" drawn by some "pimple-faced 15-year-old using Microsoft Paint."
Maybe Triviana's Dr Gone DOES have some "friends" at a "major daily newspaper" where he "works" who spend a lot of their "full-time equivalent hours" sending each other "high-speed electronic messages" that "mimic the rants of Bennett Brauer."
And maybe we have a whole bunch of those gathered below (the names have been changed to "protect the guilty"), for your "entertainment, elucidation and education." Read on at your "own risk."
Maybe my sugar bowl does double as an ant farm.
ORIGINAL STUFF
Maybe i do drink 2-day-old coffee that a coworker probably
pissed in.
maybe i do bathe in water that was just used to boil sausage
maybe i do ''begin crying and blow snot bubbles all over my face and
don't wipe them off.''
maybe i do have ''skid marks'' so large barry bonds tried to slide into
me once.
maybe i do ''scratch my ass and then smell my hand in public.''
maybe i do save food i've picked out of my teeth in a jar for when i
have no money and need
something ''to snack on.''
maybe i do help lick the fur off my cat when ''i'm bored.''
maybe i do eat nachos and ''break wind'' at church.
Lulu Zulu writes: "I was very inspired by your
site which posted sayings that sounded like it was coming from Bennett
Brauer himself. I did, in fact, rip off your idea to make up quotes for him, I
hope you're not angry. I just couldn't help it, it was so much fun thinking
of things for him to say. If you want to check out my site, it is located
at:" Motivated Mayo
maybe my car ''smells like 2-month-old turkey.''
maybe i do eat the entire tray of ''deviled eggs'' when i go to a party.
Maybe I do chew my cat's toenails off for a "protein power boost.''
Maybe I do ''hang a Cornish hen carcass from my rearview mirror.''
Maybe I do ''get a kick'' out of leaving wet, silent farts on elevators.
Maybe I do ''stick Twizzlers up my nose to inhale cabbage soup.''
Maybe I have ''blown out the back seam of every pair of undershorts I
own.''
Maybe i do ''have a wardrobe that smells like Tender Vittles cat food.''
Maybe i do scare ducks in the park.
Maybe I do dose myself with off-brand cat wormer I shoplifted at
MacFrugals whenever I notice those ""little white dudes'' squiggling in my stool.
Maybe I do "fantasize about Barbara Bush's' armpit hair.''
Maybe my sock drawer does "smell like a Russian submarine.''
Maybe I do ""inject my nostrils with Elmer's glue just for the thrill of
pulling out extra-long loogies.''
Maybe I do "blow my nose on other people's clothes at the
LaundroMat.''
maybe i do "sneeze and fart at the same time,''
maybe i blame "those sounds'' on my squeaky chair
maybe i have used shaving cream as a "whipped-cream substitute.''
maybe i do "pick food from between my teeth with a plastic comb i found
on the street.''
hey BUB, did i tell you i have my very own desk now? guess
what the first item i'm putting in the drawers? DANDRUFF!!! |